


I've Always Been Here

by Cleo



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Comfort, Episode Related, Established Relationship, Grief, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Slash, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-04
Updated: 2006-10-04
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:32:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cleo/pseuds/Cleo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horatio has to do something or else he'll lose Eric too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Always Been Here

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based some time after the episode Lost Son and directly after the episode Killer Date when Eric lost his badge.
> 
> Though it's not used throughout the fic at the very end is the song that inspired this fic.

Horatio had no idea what he was going to say. Things had gotten out of hand. Whatever pain Eric was going through was now starting to affect his judgment and work. Horatio couldn't afford to ignore it any longer the lab's reputation was on the line now. And there was a lot more at stake than just that.

He had no idea of how to ease the other man's pain when his own was still very much with him but try he must. His natural instinct to help those hurt because of the stupidity of criminals was stronger when it was one of his own that was hurting. So he found himself sitting in the Hummer outside of Eric's place trying to think of a way to help.

Sighing Horatio got out and walked up to Eric's door. He knocked on the door twice and waited hands on hips for Eric to open it. He hoped that after this night was over he didn’t lose another CSI.

*

Eric knew he was gonna get fired. Though IAB had only given him a reprimand he knew his time was limited. He couldn't believe how stupid he'd been hooking up like that and losing his badge on top was even worse. He didn't know why he couldn't stop being such a flake. But he knew why he did it. When the emptiness got too much and the cold seeped into it he needed a warm body to remind him that he was still alive. It got harder each day though. He wanted to move on. Wanted to be with the one who had kept the cold at bay.

Now all he had was the cold, broken by the string of one-night stands he used to drown his pain and the memories. Another night and here he was again alone in his apartment unable to sleep in the bed. Unable to even sleep on the couch because images of happier times, warmer times creeping into his dreams causing him to wake and mourn all over again.

Eric was startled out of his musings by a knock on his door and without asking he knew who it was. Slowly he got up to answer it and face the judgment of the only person in his life whose opinion mattered to him. Time to face the music and figure out if he needed to relocate to another town or even another state.

*

"Hello H. Come in let's get this over with," Eric said in defeat as he walked back into the living room.

Horatio was taken aback by the welcome but entered the apartment anyways. He closed and locked the door behind himself. He noticed the chaos in the living room and then took a closer look at Eric. It finally hit him how close to the edge Eric had gotten. He had seen that same lost and hopeless look in his sister-in-law's eyes after his brother had died. Now that he knew the extent of the damage done to his CSI how could he fix it?

"Eric? You know why I'm here?" Horatio asked quietly.

"Yeah. I got a pretty good idea. Look, H. I know I messed up pretty bad and I want you to know that I won't hold it against you. I know you are just doing your job and protecting the lab's reputation and everything. I just want to know if possible, could I still use you as a reference?" Eric rambled with his head in his hands.

Stunned it took a minute for Horatio's brain to register that Eric thought he was going to be fired after all over the incident. "Delko, that's the last thing on my mind and the last thing you have to worry about. I came over here to see how you were doing. I needed to know you were okay and if there was anything I could help you with," Horatio stated.

Eric looked at Horatio and was surprised to see the same look Horatio bestowed on victims directed at him. As he looked into those sure blue eyes he understood why they all trusted Horatio instinctively. Eric looked away, scared that more than he wanted to share would be seen in his own eyes.

"Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it's needed even if it doesn’t help," Horatio said finally sitting in a chair opposite Eric.

"What do you want to hear?" Eric quietly asked.

"Whatever you want to tell me. I will not judge nor condemn you for anything you want to say. I'm all yours," Horatio inwardly cringed at his last statement.

Eric looked sadly over at Horatio as old conversations he'd had played in his head and he wished that last sentence were true. Then maybe the pain wouldn't be as bad and the cold would go away. He was tempted to tell it all to Horatio but couldn't bring himself to speak.

"How about I start then. Tell me if I get any of it wrong okay?" Horatio took a deep breath and started. "This whole reckless behavior of yours started after Speed died. I know that you and Speed were more than best friends. I know that you two cared deeply for each other. Now that I've really looked I know what the look in your eyes means. It's the same one that Yelena had after Ray died. Am I close?"

Eric tried to fight it but he was too tired. It was like he'd been treading water forever and the bottom was looking more comfortable than the surface. The anger rose up and swamped him and all the emotions he'd been holding back came out in a flood.

"You know the look in my eyes?" Eric declared standing up to agitatedly pace. "You have not a clue what that look is. Yelena at least was able to openly mourn no one would think twice about it. I have to hide it just like we hid our life together! All the whispered accusations how he didn't learn his lesson and got what he deserved! He learned his lesson I made sure of that after Dispo day! When we got together I told him I didn't want to lose him because of something he could have done to prevent it. He made a point of cleaning his gun if not for himself for my peace of mind!

We talked about all the things any other couple would. We planned things. I was gonna try and get Tim to learn to dive so I could share my world with him more. He agreed as long as we didn't go into shark or alligator infested waters. Didn't tell him that's most of Florida's waterways," for the first time in weeks Eric smiled a smile that didn't feel forced.

Horatio hadn't realized how much he'd missed Eric's easygoing smile until he got to see it again. The pain and anguish in the other man's voice tore at his heart like nothing else except maybe Speed's death. Eric turned pained filled eyes to Horatio freezing him in place with the depth of the hurt there.

"You say you know. But do you really? Do you know what it's like loosing a part of you knowing that it wasn't meant to be this way? Do you know the gaping hole that is left inside that fills with an empty vacuum?" Eric's voice started to break. "The only thing that pushes it back even a little is a quick tumble with some nameless girl when what I want is for it to be fucked out of me. Yet I can't bring myself to get just any guy because it feels too much like cheating. And the only man I want to do it is in love with someone else and...and...," the tears finally started to fall. All the hidden anguish and pain came pouring out as his body started to collapse under its weight.

Horatio caught the broken man before he could hit the floor. Without thinking Horatio sat on the couch and pulled Eric into his arms. He rocked and whispered soothing noises while all the pain, loneliness and anger were cried out. He didn't realize that he'd been crying too until he caressed a cheek against the top of Eric's head and felt the moisture drying there.

As he rubbed soothing circles on Eric's back he heard him mumble something as he snuggled deeper into Horatio's arms. "What was that, Eric?"

Eric stilled suddenly. Tensing as he realized who he was with and the position they were in. He quickly backpedaled to the other end of the couch and hugged his knees trying to hold in the warmth he'd gotten from being in Horatio's arms. The man he and Speed loved and were going to ask to join them the week of the jewelry store shooting. Eric was too scared to look into those intense blue eyes and see the disgust or worse pity that may be there.

"Eric? Look at me. Please?" Horatio pleaded.

"I'm sorry H. I didn't...I mean I wouldn't...I know you don't...what I mean is," Eric stumbled to a halt and buried his head on his knees.

Horatio moved closer to Eric and slowly touched his shoulder and was glad when he didn't pull away again. "Eric," he said gently. "Eric, I'm not upset. There's nothing to be sorry for. In fact I'm glad that you finally let me be here for you. Nothing, you say or do would cause me to turn my back on you. The past several months have been hard on all of us but especially on you and I want you to know that I've always been here for you and always will." He gave in to temptation and ran a gentle hand over Eric's head.

Eric unconsciously leaned into the warm touch soaking up the feeling. He was so starved for the loving touch of someone who cared. The tears started falling again and Horatio's words made him so want to believe that there was more than this pain he felt. He looked up to see a look in Horatio's eyes he'd never seen aimed at him. "Horatio? H? Wh-what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'll be here for you if you let me. When the feelings get too much you can always come to me for whatever reason. No judging. No questions asked. Just...just let me be there for you, please?" Horatio's voice pleaded. He was willing to be anything Eric needed even if it meant being a surrogate for Speed.

Eric turned his head and truly looked at Horatio. He saw the pain, a pain that almost reflected his own and wondered. He reached up and caressed Horatio's cheek, "Why?"

"B-because I-I care and I don't like seeing you like this. I know you loved him a lot and I would never do anything to belittle the love the two of you shared. I-I just want to be there for you," Horatio whispered.

"Tell me...please," Eric pleaded needing to confirm what his instincts were telling him were the truth.

"B-because...because, I-I love you. I've loved you and Speed for a long time but was happy enough that you had each other," Horatio quietly spoke. "I knew all along that you two were together and was always there keeping whatever rumors and things deflected from you two. But if you don't want me, I will be happy enough to just be here when you need someone. I lost one man I loved and am not about to lose the other one," he finished as he slowly pulled away from Eric.

Eric stopped him with a hand around his neck. "No you don't. It wasn't meant to be like this but you're here and I am not letting you go. For months Speed and I discussed the pros and cons of asking you to join us and though he's not here to witness this I am not letting you get away," and pulled Horatio in for a kiss.

Horatio hesitantly returned the kiss and pulled Eric closer. He stopped when he felt Eric start to shake. He pulled away to look at the man he loved as he cried again. This time he pulled him onto his lap and held him tightly.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Eric cried out. "It was supposed to have been Speed, you and I together loving each other. He didn't deserve to die. He didn't deserve to not have you love him too. It's not fair and it's not right," Eric sobbed.

"No it's not but life is like that. We go on and we make the best of what we can. But now you don't have to mourn him alone. We can mourn him together. You can tell me what it was like having one Timothy Speedle love you," Horatio soothed.

Eric nodded jerkily and as the tears eased he started telling Horatio how one Timothy Speedle loved. As he spoke about their time together Eric felt the cold slowly start to ease even if the empty place remained where Speed once was. Things weren't as they should have been and they would never be but now he had somewhere to go to be warm without the guilt and pain accompanying him. From now on he and Horatio would be there for each other as they had always been even when they didn't know. They'd honor the memory of the one who was gone because they knew that eventually some day they'd see him again and finally be whole.

 **Always on your Side - Sting & Sheryl Crow**

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away  
But every now and then you come to mind  
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game  
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide  
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent  
But your demons and your angels reappeared  
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought you'd be  
Leavin' me with no place left to go from here  
Leavin' me so many questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear  
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear  
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally  
This isn't how it's really meant to be  
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,  
How to pull it close and make it stay  
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away  
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why  
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear  
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear  
Or are we left to wonder, all alone, eternally  
But is this how it's really meant to be  
No is it how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear  
How to pull it close and make it stay  
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away  
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why  
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life  
When you know that I was always on your side


End file.
